How the Grieving Process is Different for Everyone

Grief affects all of us in different ways. When someone you cared about dies, you won’t know how long your grief will last, or how you’ll feel tomorrow, next week, or even next month.

Saying goodbye is different for everyone. Coming to terms with your feelings and adjusting to your life without them will simply take as long as it takes – and you shouldn’t feel bad about this.

There’s no formula

Unlike a broken arm that’ll most likely be healed within a few weeks, your grief isn’t like that. It’s driven by how you feel and what your relationship was like with the person who died. Every person and their relationships are different. How we cope with each bereavement is different too.

There’s no instruction book on how to grieve. That’s because our minds process things differently. Some people process things internally, while others prefer to talk about their feelings and share their experience with others.

Different coping mechanisms

Some people may cope by focusing more on their job; doing longer hours and taking on projects to take their mind off the hurt. Others may find it a struggle just to get up in the morning and find the energy to do things.

Which approach is the wrong one? Neither. Both are absolutely fine.

Take care of yourself

Even in the same family, the way you all experience grief can be different and it’s okay to have different thoughts and ways of looking after yourselves. It’s important to focus on your own grief, and it’s not selfish to do this. If you want to heal and feel better about the future, you need to take good care of yourself first.

It’s okay to feel that you’re not coping as well as you were last week, or last month. There might be something you do or say that triggers some emotions and make you feel that you’ve gone backwards in being able to cope. This can happen to anyone at any point in the days, weeks, months or years after a bereavement. No one should feel bad about this and if anyone suggests that you’re not ‘getting over it’, please don’t take the comment to heart. It’s okay to feel how you feel.

Coping with reminders and waves of grief

The person you loved may have played a huge role in your life before they died. Day-to-day reminders of them are understandable. Waves of grief can appear out of nowhere, even when you’re out in public. Some people might feel uncomfortable showing emotion in public, but you should never feel embarrassed – this is your life and your situation that you’re trying to cope with.

There is no time limit

Finally, some people move on from their grief quicker than others. However, it’s important not to put pressure on yourself to feel better or move on just because others think you should.

Be mindful of your own wellbeing and be kind to yourself. Give yourself the space and time you need to make sense of your life without them. Don’t worry about what you ‘should’ be doing or what you ‘should’ have already done. Don’t be hard on yourself or set yourself goals that you know you can’t live up to.

Even if you feel that those around you are coping or somehow coping better than you, your grief journey is unique to you and your relationship with the person who died. Take care of yourself, and remember that it’s okay to feel sad at any time.